


Rovaniemi

by AccioBeatles



Category: Cabin Pressure
Genre: M/M, Podfic, Podfic Length: 20-30 Minutes, marlas, summer christmas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-26
Updated: 2014-06-26
Packaged: 2018-02-06 07:30:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,254
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1849627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AccioBeatles/pseuds/AccioBeatles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's Summer Christmas on the flight deck. Arthur sees this as an excuse to play matchmaker for Martin and Douglas, and what better way to do it than with a murder mystery? Podfic, transcript included.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Rovaniemi

**Author's Note:**

> This was my Secret Santa gift for a-drab-lunacy, for the Summer Christmas Secret Santa 2014.
> 
> Disclaimer: I'm not an actress, and I sadly only have one voice. I've included a transcript, in case people would prefer to read it for themselves, although it was really intended more as a script for my own benefit, so it might not be perfect!

**Rovaniemi**

 

**Length:** 21 minutes

 

**Transcript:**

 

[Bing bong]

DOUGLAS: On the sixth day of Summer Christmas, GERTI gave to me, six cups of coffee, five Taliskers… four false alarms, three breakdowns, two rusty wings-

CAROLYN: Douglas, if you don’t shut up, very bad things will happen to you.

DOUGLAS: -And a death threat from Knapp-Shappey.

* * *

Cabin Pressure!

This Summer Christmas… ROVANIEMI!

* * *

[Flight deck door opens.]

MARTIN: Errrr… Arthur…? What have you done to the flight deck?

ARTHUR: I’ve decorated it, Skip! Only… I didn’t have proper decorations, Mum puts them all away in a box ‘til December, so I used-

MARTIN: -Wrapping paper. Arthur, you’ve got it all over the instruments.

ARTHUR: Well, it’s not all wrapping paper, I’ve got some tinsel as well. And look, I’ve covered your seats in bubble wrap!

MARTIN: (pause) Yes… yes, I can see that. [Sound of popping bubble wrap.] Arthur, why have you decorated the flight deck?

ARTHUR: It’s Summer Christmas, Skip!

MARTIN: Summer Christmas?

ARTHUR: Yeah! It’s like Christmas, but… summery! I couldn’t wait for Christmas for a whole year, so I decided the 25th of June should be Summer Christmas!

MARTIN: …I see.

[Door opening again.]

DOUGLAS: Good Lord. I seem to have stumbled upon Santa’s grotto.

CAROLYN: Ohhh… It’s begun again. And I hoped so hard that Arthur had forgotten the date.

ARTHUR: (proudly) I didn’t though.

CAROLYN: Noooo, you certainly didn’t. Now, gentlemen, if we can put aside this charming winter wonderland-

ARTHUR: Summer wonderland.

CAROLYN: -let’s get moving. I don’t know about you, but I just want to get in the air and back to Fitton before Father Christmas’ unwanted helper here gets us all building sandcastles.

DOUGLAS: Right, fine. Cabin crew, prepare for take-off.

* * *

DOUGLAS: Fancy a word game?

MARTIN: No.

DOUGLAS: What’s got into you, Martin?

MARTIN: Nothing.

DOUGLAS: You usually at least lose with some dignity… (pause) Is this about what happened at the-?

MARTIN: (huffily) Of course not, I just don’t want to listen to you flaunting your superiority. I’m trying to concentrate, Douglas.

DOUGLAS: On what, the vast, empty sky?

MARTIN: (hautily) On captaining this vessel. I have been placed in command, and as such, I have a responsibility to maintain the highest standards of quality on this flight. I think I deserve a little peace and quiet!

DOUGLAS: (sarcastic) Of course, _sir_. I’m sorry I asked. And will _sir_ be requiring anything else? Someone to polish his shoes, perhaps? Meals fed to him bite by bite?

MARTIN: Leave me alone, Douglas.

[Silence, broken by cough. Then door opens.]

ARTHUR: Right, it’s time for the Summer Christmas games!

MARTIN: Oh, Arthur, no… We haven’t got time for this.

DOUGLAS: We are in fact rather busy flying this aeroplane.

ARTHUR: Come on, chaps, please… I spent ages on it…

MARTIN: I’m sorry, Arthur, but we really can’t.

ARTHUR: But it would pass the time.

DOUGLAS: He does have a point.

MARTIN: [Indignant noise] No! No, he doesn’t!

DOUGLAS: Oh, go on.

MARTIN: [Sigh] Fine.

ARTHUR: Brilliant! (Shouting) Mum, they said yes!

CAROLYN: (from a distance) Damn.

[Footsteps]

CAROLYN: Right, Arthur, what fresh hell have you got in store for us?

ARTHUR: (dramatically, tinged by excitement) A murder mystery!

CAROLYN: Oh good Lord.

DOUGLAS: (lazily) It was Arthur Shappey, in the galley, with the fire extinguisher.

ARTHUR: Hey, that wasn’t totally my fault!

DOUGLAS: No, you’re right, Martin made his input as well.

MARTIN: Be quiet, Douglas.

CAROLYN: Leaving aside for just one moment the list of passengers that have fallen victim to my son – and believe me, there are enough for a sizeable support group – where did you find a murder mystery, Arthur?

ARTHUR: I printed it off the internet! Look, I have information about all of you! [Paper rustling] So, Skip, this is you. [More paper] This is you, Douglas. [More paper] And Mum! [Paper] [Pause, followed by loud thudding noise] And I’m the victim! You have to work out which one of you killed me! (pause) This is fun, isn’t it?

DOUGLAS: Corpses don’t talk, Arthur.

ARTHUR: Right you are, Douglas. Oh, sorry! Sorry!

CAROLYN: All right, Arthur, resurrect yourself and go and make us some coffee, will you?

ARTHUR: Righto.

[Door]

* * *

[Silence, except for some shuffling of papers.]

CAROLYN: Right, out with it then, what’s wrong with the two of you?

MARTIN: (too quickly) Nothing.

DOUGLAS: What do you mean? Nothing’s wrong.

MARTIN: Nothing at all.

CAROLYN: That was about as convincing as the time Arthur told me the burning chocolate cake in the oven was Snoopadoop’s fault. Now, out with it.

DOUGLAS: We just told you, nothing’s wrong.

CAROLYN: Ohhh, you know what…? I don’t care. I’m going to go and make sure Arthur hasn’t set fire to the galley. Now whatever it is, sort it out, will you?

[Door closes. Silence. Martin coughs awkwardly.]

DOUGLAS: Are you going to keep up the frosty silence all trip then?

MARTIN: No.

DOUGLAS: Terrific. So can we expect an end to the chill soon, or do I have to buy a jumper from the duty free?

MARTIN: Hilarious.

DOUGLAS: [Sigh] I’m serious, Martin, if this is about that stopover….

MARTIN: (hysterically) Why- why would it be about that? What is it about that stopover that you can’t- can’t- can’t- can’t leave alone?! Nothing happened! Nothing interesting. Nothing at all.

DOUGLAS: (pause) Golly.

MARTIN: I mean, it’s not like- I didn’t- I’d had a bit too much to drink, all right, and I didn’t mean to- I mean-

DOUGLAS: Convincingly told as ever.

MARTIN: I didn’t mean to kiss you!

DOUGLAS: Fine. I never said you did.

MARTIN: (embarrassed) Right. Yes. Good. I just- Yes. Yes. Good. Yes.

DOUGLAS: (pause) Good to have that sorted out…

* * *

CAROLYN: Arthur. Arthur, are those… can those be mince pies?

ARTHUR: Yeah! Isn’t it brilliant? I didn’t think I’d be able to find any in the middle of June, but I did! I’ve got some mini Christmas puddings too.

CAROLYN: How thrilling. And have you, in fact, made coffee?

ARTHUR: Uhh- No. No, now you mention it, I got out mince pies instead.

CAROLYN: So do you think you could find your way to making coffee now?

ARTHUR: Yes. Yes, I could do that.

CAROLYN: Good boy. [Sigh] If we’re really going to do this murder mystery thing, I’m going to need a good, healthy dose of caffeine…

ARTHUR: Come on, Mum, you’ll enjoy it!

CAROLYN: I very much doubt that.

ARTHUR: No, you will! (happily) It’s going to be absolutely brilliant!

CAROLYN: Oh, no. Oh dear Lord. I know that tone. Arthur, Arthur, light of my life… what have you got planned?

ARTHUR: (muted) Nothing.

CAROLYN: Yes, that would sound more plausible if your face hadn’t gone purple. What aren’t you telling me?

ARTHUR: Nothing, nothing, just that it’s going to be- really exciting! And Skip and Douglas are going to have the best Summer Christmas, and it’ll be fantastic!

CAROLYN: And what, pray tell, does this have to do with our esteemed pilots?

ARTHUR: …Nothing. It’s just, you sent me on that course on understanding people in Ipswich, and now I can _read_ them, and-

CAROLYN: You know, I really don’t think I want to know. Coffee, Arthur.

ARTHUR: Yep, will do.

[Clattering]

* * *

[Pencil scratching]

DOUGLAS: Martin… Are you making notes?

MARTIN: A good pilot is always well-prepared.

DOUGLAS: For flying. Not for Arthur’s murder mystery games. Surely they can’t be so challenging that you need to come armed with memo cards? What are you writing anyway?

MARTIN: You can’t look! You’ll cheat!

DOUGLAS: Surely you know me better than that. I don’t need to _cheat_ to win.

MARTIN: Is that so?

DOUGLAS: It is so.

MARTIN: I’m not so sure.

DOUGLAS: Ahh, but I am. But I tell you what; why don’t we make this game more interesting?

MARTIN: Douglas, I’m not betting with you again.

DOUGLAS: I thought you said you didn’t think I could win?

MARTIN: All the same…

DOUGLAS: Not for money.

MARTIN: What for, then?

DOUGLAS: If I win the murder mystery, you have to grant me one request.

MARTIN: One _reasonable_ request? No money?

DOUGLAS: Oh, fine. You take all the fun out of it, but because I am exceedingly generous, I’ll agree.

MARTIN: And if I win?

DOUGLAS: Then I grant you one request. Like your own personal genie.

MARTIN: Ooh, I could get you to do the walk-rounds for a week! Or your logbooks! Or give me first shot at the cheese-tray!

DOUGLAS: I take it we have a deal?

MARTIN: Err- Yes. All right then, yes.

* * *

ARTHUR: Are you all set, chaps?

CAROLYN: Get on with it, Arthur.

ARTHUR: Right, yes. OK. Ready… set… go! [Thudding noise, and elaborate dying noises]

DOUGLAS: Performed as a true thespian.

ARTHUR: (muffled) Thanks, Douglas!

DOUGLAS: You’re dead, Arthur. No talking, remember.

ARTHUR: Oh yeah.

MARTIN: OK. So. Where do we start?

DOUGLAS: We could tell each other a bit about ourselves?

CAROLYN: This is ridiculous. I could be having a nap.

ARTHUR: Mum, you promised! And I really did work hard on this…

CAROLYN: All right, all right, keep your hat on. So, who’s starting?

DOUGLAS: I will. [Papers] Oh look, it’s Christmas themed…

ARTHUR: (proudly) Of course.

DOUGLAS: Apparently, I’m Santa Clause. You know, it fits rather well. Miracle worker, bringing joy to others through frankly astonishing feats of physics.

CAROLYN: Renowned, of course, for your immense ego…

DOUGLAS: And I couldn’t have committed the atrocious, senseless murder of this- Arthur, what are you?

ARTHUR: I’m Rudolph! Oh, and GERTI could be our sleigh! Brilliant!

DOUGLAS: Of course. I couldn’t have murdered this innocent, beloved young reindeer, because – apart from my deep love of all fluffy, flying objects – I was off in my workshop making toys and planning this year’s flight path the whole time, yada yada yada.

CAROLYN: But is it not the case that you allowed the recently deceased Rudolph to undergo torment by the other reindeer, only seeing fit to help him when he became useful to you, and thus perpetuating the prejudice that Rudolph faced by using him as an object for your benefit alone?

ARTHUR: (mystified) Gosh…

CAROLYN: Quiet, Arthur. And is it not, perhaps, a possibility that, rather than allowing your cruelty and bigotry to be exposed by the suddenly-famous Rudolph, you might have decided to – how can I put this delicately? – deal with the problem yourself?

DOUGLAS: Ah, but Carolyn, your argument is flawed… If I were as unpleasant as you claim, surely I would continue to objectify Rudolph, now that he has become so popular and, of course, marketable? Murdering him would only serve to cast suspicion on myself, and, I imagine, would come with a significant financial loss. But I rather think you were a little too quick to jump to the attack. Could it be that you were the murderer? What are you?

CARLYON: I’m a Christmas elf.

DOUGLAS: Ah, naturally. I can just see you beavering away in your little workshop to spread happiness and love throughout the world. Of course, you are well known for your philanthropy and sweet nature.

ARTHUR: I’m not sure that’s right, Douglas…

CAROLYN: Shush, Arthur. Douglas, if one word of this ever passes your lips outside of this plane, I will see to it personally that you regret it. Is that clear?

DOUGLAS: Crystal.

CAROLYN: And of course I didn’t murder Rudolph. I am another victim of your barbarity.

DOUGLAS: Come now…

CAROLYN: Every year, I am forced into slavery, to manufacture toy after toy, and who is it who receives every jot of recognition? Santa Clause. Otherwise known as the Jolly Fat Reindeer Slaughterer.

DOUGLAS: Carolyn!

ARTHUR: Errr… Chaps… You might want to try searching my body. For clues!

DOUGLAS: Right when we had such a lovely debate going on. All right, let’s have a look. Well, the two of you can have a look – I’m a little preoccupied with the flying of this plane.

[Silence, but for some grunting]

MARTIN: I’ve never seen such a wriggly corpse…

CAROLYN: Here, I’ve got something. [Pause] Arthur, what is it?

ARTHUR: Mistletoe!

DOUGLAS: Let’s see? I’m not sure it is…

ARTHUR: A drawing of mistletoe.

DOUGLAS: Again, that might be giving it a little more credit than it deserves. A drawing that symbolises mistletoe, perhaps.

MARTIN: I’ve got something too. I… I think it’s a letter?

ARTHUR: Yeah! Well done, Skip!

CAROLYN: Go on then, Martin, or we’ll be here for days.

MARTIN: Right. Yes. “Dear Earthlings.”

DOUGLAS: Always a good start.

MARTIN: “I am afraid that this year, Christmas has been cancelled. Without its star reindeer, Father Christmas’ sleigh will never be able to deliver toys to all the good little children around the world. I am sick and tired of being worked to the bone all year round, like a slave to human children without one jot of thanks. But now, it will never happen again! Mwahahahahaha.”

DOUGLAS: Nice touch. Well, it’s obviously you, Carolyn.

CAROLYN: Wait just one moment! You’re the one who’d want to stop the sleigh from taking off, it’s clearly you. And besides, we haven’t heard from Martin yet.

MARTIN: Ohhh… well… I don’t really think you need to…

DOUGLAS: Go on, Martin. Who are you?

MARTIN: I’m – erm – (mutters) Mrs Clause.

DOUGLAS: So that’s why you had those notes ferretted away! You were embarrassed!

MARTIN: Shut up, Douglas.

DOUGLAS: Darling! I’m hurt and wounded. I’m your husband! I thought we were in love!

ARTHUR: Yeah, Skip, you’re in love!

MARTIN: (grudgingly) Yes, fine. I’m sorry… (very grudgingly) honey.

DOUGLAS: That’s more like it! And I’m sorry, Carolyn, but this puts the blame squarely on your shoulders. It couldn’t have been Martin, and it couldn’t have been me.

CAROLYN: Why couldn’t it have been you?

DOUGLAS: The letter said “not one jot of thanks”. Father Christmas gets plenty of thanks.

CAROLYN: Mrs Clause doesn’t. She probably works her socks off back at the North Pole, but of course, only her husband gets thanks for it. Isn’t that right, Martin?

MARTIN: If you’re asking if I murdered Rudolph, the answer’s no. I was… (rustling paper) apparently, I was knitting a jumper when the murder occurred.

CAROLYN: Well, you would say that. I don’t know though, you’ve got a suspicious sort of look about you. I think you could probably do in a reindeer the week before Christmas, couldn’t you?

DOUGLAS: (threateningly) You leave my wife out of this.

MARTIN: (pained) Douglas…

DOUGLAS: Nope, I’m still accusing Carolyn.

CAROLYN: With no evidence! I was making presents when Rudolph died; I have alibis.

DOUGLAS: Oh, I have plenty of evidence. You were complaining earlier about being used to make gifts all year round; you’re clearly harbouring a lot of bitterness over it. Just the sort of motive for murdering a defenceless reindeer, as, of course, is explained in the letter. And besides, no human would address a letter to ‘earthlings’. Since you’re the only non-human here, you’re incriminated.

CAROLYN: Ah, so we’ve descended into xenophobia now, have we?

DOUGLAS: I’m not done yet. Is it not the case that one of your duties as an elf is to feed the reindeer?

CAROLYN: That is correct. I notice it’s not something you dirty your fat little fingers with.

DOUGLAS: So it would have been entirely within your power to mix Rudolph’s morning food with mistletoe berries, which were in fact discovered on his body. Mistletoe berries from certain species are, of course, poisonous. The poison would have taken time to act, leaving you a neat little window in which to scurry back to the workshop and find your alibis. I rest my case. Arthur?

ARTHUR: Douglas… You’re a genius! I still had about four clues left to give you, but that’s- that’s totally right! Douglas wins! Yay! Sorry Mum.

CAROLYN: I think I ought to be offended that you think I’m the most likely person here to be a murderer. And yet I’m somehow proud.

DOUGLAS: Excellent. Now all that remains is to march Carolyn off to the police department in Rovaniemi.

ARTHUR: Come again?

DOUGLAS: Rovaniemi. Lovely city in Lapland. I have a friend there who’s always willing to make a good trade with me.

CAROLYN: Of course you do.

ARTHUR: Lapland? Brilliant! So is Rovan- Roviem- Is that where Father Christmas lives?

DOUGLAS: I believe he has a little holiday house there, yes. He rents it out to reindeer farmers in the summer.

ARTHUR: (breathlessly) Wow…

CAROLYN: Don’t listen to him, Arthur. Now, since I notice you still haven’t managed to hunt down that coffee, I’m off to the galley.

ARTHUR: Oh yeah, the coffee! (Pause) Skip, Douglas… I’ll go too. If you want to… you know… talk over anything about your characters… you could do that.

[Door closing]

MARTIN: Any idea what he meant by that?

DOUGLAS: Arthur’s attempts at sneakiness have always rather passed me by.

MARTIN: Yes, it’s not really his strong point, is it?

DOUGLAS: However, on a different note entirely, I believe you owe me a favour.

MARTIN: What-? Ohhh, the bet…

DOUGLAS: ‘Oh, the bet’ indeed.

MARTIN: Yes, all right. There’s no need to smirk like that. What’s it going to be? The cheese-tray again?

DOUGLAS: No, no. I have a different plan. (Rustling paper)

MARTIN: What is that? Is that-? Ohh. Oh.

DOUGLAS: Arthur’s mistletoe. Not quite as good as the real thing, but if it can kill a reindeer, I’m sure it’ll do the job.

MARTIN: (choked) You mean-? You’re- and you’re not just making fun of me?

DOUGLAS: Not at all.

MARTIN: I- really? I don’t know- I mean- you- I- I-

DOUGLAS: Shut up and kiss me.

[Intake of breath from Martin, then quiet sound of kissing.]

MARTIN: Do you- do you really mean this, Douglas?

DOUGLAS: Why wouldn’t I?

MARTIN: (bitterly) Because you’re you, and I’m me.

DOUGLAS: Exactly. What more would I want? You’re too hard on yourself, Martin.

MARTIN: Oh.

DOUGLAS: You know, the mistletoe’s still here.

MARTIN: I’m meant to be flying a plane…

DOUGLAS: The plane can wait.

[More kissing. Sound of door opening.]

ARTHUR: Brilliant!

MARTIN: Arthur! What are you-? Arthur!

ARTHUR: It actually worked! Amazing!

MARTIN: What worked?

ARTHUR: Making you and Douglas husband and wife! In the game, I mean!

MARTIN: I see.

DOUGLAS: It was an ingenious display of cunning, Arthur, though I hardly think the turning point in our relationship was five minutes of being Mr and Mrs Clause.

MARTIN: (nervous) So that’s what this is? A relationship?

DOUGLAS: (momentarily uncertain) If you want it to be.

MARTIN: I think- I think I might.

ARTHUR: (more quietly) Brilliant…

* * *

[Door opens]

CAROLYN: Drivers, how long ‘til we land?

DOUGLAS: Not too long now. About twenty minutes?

ARTHUR: Great! I’ve got Summer Christmas presents for everyone when we get to Fitton!

[Pause]

MARTIN: [Humming/whistling ‘We Wish You a Merry Christmas’]

CAROLYN: You’re obnoxiously cheerful, Martin. What’s got into you?

MARTIN: Hmm? Oh, nothing.

CAROLYN: Then wipe that silly grin off your face, will you?

MARTIN: Right you are.

[Pause]

MARTIN: (under his breath) We wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas…

CAROLYN: Oh, for crying out loud…

DOUGLAS: We wish you a merry Christmas, and a happy new year.

MARTIN AND DOUGLAS: Good tidings we bring, to you and your kin.

MARTIN, DOUGLAS AND ARTHUR: We wish you a merry Christmas!

DOUGLAS: Carolyn, care to join in?

CAROLYN: Oh, what the hell, yes.

ALL: And a happy new year!

 


End file.
